Awakening

I have been meaning to write for a while but just wasn't sure what to say.  My blog has always been a place of therapy and healing for my soul.  A place to pour my heart out and share my fears and joys.  It is not only about me though, I want my posts to make a difference.  I want those reading them to be moved and feel as if my words were thought out and heartfelt.  I have been busy being Mom to 5 kids but to be honest - over the last many months I didn't really feel like I had much to offer in a blog post.  My words were muddled and my heart wasn't feeling much to share.  I am beginning to see why and I want to share with you what I am learning.

Have you ever been run through the ringer emotionally??  Not just the highs and not just the lows - but this crazy cycle of both!?  I will try to paint a picture for you.  For 2 years we poured our heart and soul into our adoption journey - an adoption journey mind you that we didn't even know we were destined for.  Over those 2 years we dealt with fear, stress, joy, courage, trembling, shock, elation, confusion, frustration, weariness, heartache, compassion, awakening, anger, bitterness, feelings of being overwhelmed, heartbroken, filled to the brim, eye-opening, feelings of being insane, tired, crazy, joyful, thankful, grateful.  You could pick any combination of these feelings and often I would feel them on any given day.  I have had some of my highest of high moments and lowest of low moments over these last couple of years!  Adoption is an EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER - it is NOT for the weak at heart.  We learned more about God's grace, mercy, strength, love, compassion.  He opened our eyes to what He wanted us to see - and I'm telling you it was not always pretty.  It was often heart wrenching and humbling.  I have never felt closer to God than over these 2 years - I poured my heart out to Him for direction and guidance for protection and comfort for my children (His children).  These emotions came to a climax as the boys came home - then we spent the next many months over the last year and a half helping our boys process those some crazy emotions listed above - grief and anger, confusion and sadness, happiness and joy, experiencing firsts and the fears that come with it, reminiscing and remembering, yearning and weariness.

After 3 years of high EMOTIONS I have realized that I was on emotional overdrive for so long that somewhere along the journey it turned into survival mode.  I was truly doing little more than surviving - at times I felt as if I was even failing at that.  My emotions were spent and spread thin - I felt washed up and dried out.  I felt as if I had lost my passion and fire - like there wasn't enough strength left in my heart to feel passionate about anything while still clinging on for survival.

I woke up one morning over the last month or so and realized that my heart yearns to feel again.  Survival mode is not good enough any longer.  God has been speaking in that still small voice kind of way - stirring my heart.  It feels like a fog is lifting and God is awakening something in me.  I want to have a direction and purpose - to feel like I am making a difference in the world around me.  I want to cling to God and seek his guidance in my life.  I want to feel passionate for what God is doing in and through me!  I know that it may not always be easy and that it may not always be comfortable but I'm ready for God to grow me and use me and show me more of His heart!

In church today we sang Life Song and the second verse hit close to home and I could feel God continuing to awaken my soul!

Lord I give my life
A living sacrifice
To reach a world in need
To be Your hands and feet

So may the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to You

I am ready to stop merely surviving and start living again!  Who is with me??  

Stay tuned to the blog - I think God has BIG plans for us as He continues to Awaken our hearts!