GROW

Isn't it funny how looking back on life can give you a mix of different emotions?  Sometimes it's - "I am so thankful that's over!" others it is "I miss those days".  Some you look back with sadness at the hurt and the pain and still others bring tears to your eyes from the overwhelming joy that is left on your heart from the memory.  It seems that I have been doing a lot of life pondering lately.  As I have said, these last few months have been trying - - and the struggle has been personal - limited to my inner struggles.  Satan likes to trap us in our own self crisis so that we don't really see - - see the world, see what God has planned, see what love can do!  Looking back at our last adoption, I have many emotion filled memories.  It was some of the hardest months of my life but I felt alive and felt God right by my side walking us down the path He had chosen for our family.  It is the time that I felt closest to God and every adoption choice we made I felt God's reassurance that we were on track - following His Will.  I grew more in my faith and relationship with God through our adoption than I ever could have imagined.

Going into this adoption I was bracing myself for the ride!  I knew the roller coaster that it had been last time and the raw emotion that gets drug up and bared for all to see.  I remembered the yearning in my soul to see through God's eyes - to have my heart broken for His people - to see just a glimpse of this broken world through His lense.  I remembered the excitement of the unknown and the passion in my heart as He asked us to walk hand in hand with him in FAITH.  But this time has been different...

...the feelings have been different and the yearning in my heart is different.  I find myself asking God what's next and where now and He seems quiet and almost distant.  It feels like He keeps whispering, "Trust Me".  And I do!  I DO trust Him - - but it feels so different...it feels so unsure and unknown and unstable.  I feel myself being pulled and stretched in a COMPLETELY different way than last time!  Last time it felt passionate and full force....this time feels quiet and personal, almost lonely.

Last time there seemed to be so much to share with those around us - our passion seemed infectious and God used our story to motivate and inspire.  I was blogging a few days a week - my heart brimming with the passion and excitement of it all - needing to get it out and share it with the world.  I was writing letters to my child to be and felt a heart wrenching need to hold and care for them.  It was emotional and raw and real.  This time the blog has been quieter - because my heart feels quieter - I'm not sure what to say or share.  My heart is full of unknowns - - when and where??  I don't know.  How many and what genders or ages?  I don't know.  The passion for what God has planned for our family feels real....but blurry.  I can't quite see what it will look like....I can't quite feel what it will feel like....I can't quite glimpse what we will become.

What I do know is that God called us down this path and He is working.  What I do know is that we don't have to FEEL His presence to know that He is there.  What I do know is that we can GROW just as much in the quiet times as we can in the full force times.  What I do know is that God is asking me to lean on Him - in a different way than last time - - but asking still the same!  What I do know is that I will!

There is a new song on the radio that I have fallen in love with!  It makes me want more for myself and it makes me yearn for my children to love and know God and GROW in His grace.  It makes me want to put my trust in God so that I can GROW deeper in my faith and in my love for Him and His people.  It made me realize that God GROWS us all differently, but He loves us enough to continue fighting for us.  Even though this time feels different and quiet, my prayer is that He will continue to GROW me into what He has planned for me.

~GROW~

Down in the dirt buried deep
There is a promise there's a seed
And with some sun and with some rain
A little shelter from the pain
With some patience and some time you'll see

It grow and grow
Stretch your arms up to the sky and like a bird you'll learn to fly And grow

Some fall upon the rocky ground
Does anyone hear when they cry out
Some fall upon a bed of thorns
Guess you can't help where you're born
Lord pick them up with your hand, 'place them in the good land so they can

Grow, and grow
Stretch your arms up to the sky and like a bird you'll learn to fly

And grow, and grow 
Let your branches spread and bloom from that seed inside of you you'll grow And grow

And with some sun and with some rain
A little shelter from the pain
With some patience and some time you'll see

It grow and grow

~ Kolby Koloff ~