GROW

Isn't it funny how looking back on life can give you a mix of different emotions?  Sometimes it's - "I am so thankful that's over!" others it is "I miss those days".  Some you look back with sadness at the hurt and the pain and still others bring tears to your eyes from the overwhelming joy that is left on your heart from the memory.  It seems that I have been doing a lot of life pondering lately.  As I have said, these last few months have been trying - - and the struggle has been personal - limited to my inner struggles.  Satan likes to trap us in our own self crisis so that we don't really see - - see the world, see what God has planned, see what love can do!  Looking back at our last adoption, I have many emotion filled memories.  It was some of the hardest months of my life but I felt alive and felt God right by my side walking us down the path He had chosen for our family.  It is the time that I felt closest to God and every adoption choice we made I felt God's reassurance that we were on track - following His Will.  I grew more in my faith and relationship with God through our adoption than I ever could have imagined.

Going into this adoption I was bracing myself for the ride!  I knew the roller coaster that it had been last time and the raw emotion that gets drug up and bared for all to see.  I remembered the yearning in my soul to see through God's eyes - to have my heart broken for His people - to see just a glimpse of this broken world through His lense.  I remembered the excitement of the unknown and the passion in my heart as He asked us to walk hand in hand with him in FAITH.  But this time has been different...

...the feelings have been different and the yearning in my heart is different.  I find myself asking God what's next and where now and He seems quiet and almost distant.  It feels like He keeps whispering, "Trust Me".  And I do!  I DO trust Him - - but it feels so different...it feels so unsure and unknown and unstable.  I feel myself being pulled and stretched in a COMPLETELY different way than last time!  Last time it felt passionate and full force....this time feels quiet and personal, almost lonely.

Last time there seemed to be so much to share with those around us - our passion seemed infectious and God used our story to motivate and inspire.  I was blogging a few days a week - my heart brimming with the passion and excitement of it all - needing to get it out and share it with the world.  I was writing letters to my child to be and felt a heart wrenching need to hold and care for them.  It was emotional and raw and real.  This time the blog has been quieter - because my heart feels quieter - I'm not sure what to say or share.  My heart is full of unknowns - - when and where??  I don't know.  How many and what genders or ages?  I don't know.  The passion for what God has planned for our family feels real....but blurry.  I can't quite see what it will look like....I can't quite feel what it will feel like....I can't quite glimpse what we will become.

What I do know is that God called us down this path and He is working.  What I do know is that we don't have to FEEL His presence to know that He is there.  What I do know is that we can GROW just as much in the quiet times as we can in the full force times.  What I do know is that God is asking me to lean on Him - in a different way than last time - - but asking still the same!  What I do know is that I will!

There is a new song on the radio that I have fallen in love with!  It makes me want more for myself and it makes me yearn for my children to love and know God and GROW in His grace.  It makes me want to put my trust in God so that I can GROW deeper in my faith and in my love for Him and His people.  It made me realize that God GROWS us all differently, but He loves us enough to continue fighting for us.  Even though this time feels different and quiet, my prayer is that He will continue to GROW me into what He has planned for me.

~GROW~

Down in the dirt buried deep
There is a promise there's a seed
And with some sun and with some rain
A little shelter from the pain
With some patience and some time you'll see

It grow and grow
Stretch your arms up to the sky and like a bird you'll learn to fly And grow

Some fall upon the rocky ground
Does anyone hear when they cry out
Some fall upon a bed of thorns
Guess you can't help where you're born
Lord pick them up with your hand, 'place them in the good land so they can

Grow, and grow
Stretch your arms up to the sky and like a bird you'll learn to fly

And grow, and grow 
Let your branches spread and bloom from that seed inside of you you'll grow And grow

And with some sun and with some rain
A little shelter from the pain
With some patience and some time you'll see

It grow and grow

~ Kolby Koloff ~

Peace in the Wait

Many people have been asking how things are going with the adoption.  Well - - - it has been going, it just doesn't feel like it.  Our home study has been out and about in the land of social workers for two months now.  With all of the kids waiting for families, you'd think that it would be a fairly swift matching.  This, however, is not the case.  The process has been pretty quiet and we really don't hear much from week to week.  The process is so very different from our previous adoptions and we really didn't quite know what to expect during the wait.  We weren't sure if the process was normal for this type of adoption or if we needed to be doing things differently, so we contacted our case worker a week or so ago to get her take on things.  I came away from my conversation with her feeling better and more settled into the waiting game.  She said that our case has been very normal and that we have some good and active inquiries (we submit inquiries on kids that we are interested in and they look at our home study).  She said that since she has been doing this, no family has been matched in the first couple of months.  She said the average is SIX MONTHS and only one family has ever gone over a year.  She said she has gotten really good feedback from social workers about our home study and our family.

SO - - we wait!  We wait for God to orchestrate it all!  We wait for God to prepare our hearts!  We wait for God to prepare their hearts!  We wait for God to paint His masterpiece and guide us down His path in growing our family!

And honestly - - I have PEACE!  The last several months have been hard and trying.  There have been several things that our family has dealt with that would have been major triggers for kids from trauma and frankly would have been a nightmare to have dealt with if the new kids would have been with us.  God knew - God always knows!  He knew what we could handle - He knew what our summer was going to look like - He was faithful to walk with us and prepare us for what's to come.  There were MANY days over the last few months that I apologized to my husband for being a HOT MESS!!  I felt like I was in a season - a time of being tried and tested.  A time of being shaken up and put through the wringer.  And honestly - most days - I failed!  I failed miserably on my own and learned to lean on God to hold me when I felt overwhelmed.  I looked to Him for peace when I felt like I couldn't handle even one more thing.  My motto became "It is what it is!"  There were so many things that seemed to be coming our way - one thing after another - and there wasn't much we could do about any of them.  But we could hand it over to God and have Peace.  It has taken many months but I feel like I'm finally to the point of PEACE.  Peace about my health - Peace about my family - Peace about my family to be!  There is not a thing too SMALL or too BIG for my GOD and boy am I thankful!  I'm at PEACE!

So - - we wait!  We will wait and trust God to work it all out for His glory!  We will wait in the peace that can only be found in Him!  We wait...

Crumbs in Your Sheets

Do you ever have a long and exhausting day and you cannot wait for your head to hit your pillow???  As you tuck the kids in and say bedtime prayers you can almost feel the relaxation and calm of nestling up for some much needed sleep.  The time finally comes and you crawl into bed.....to find your child has, at some point in the day, eaten a cookie in your domain and left crumbs on your nice haven of rest.  So - instead of relaxation and peace you are irritated with each little move you make as mini crumbs poke and prod your body no matter how many times you sweep them away - there's always one more crumb that finds its way to you as you roll over an hour later.

Well - - Satan is a little bit like crumbs in your sheets.  Sometime he shows up big and in your face - but more often than not he shows up as little irritations of every day living.  He likes to steal our joy and replace it with frustration and annoyance.  He likes to keep our mind occupied on things that distract us from peace and rest.  The last few weeks I feel like Satan has my number and is enjoying watching me squirm in my sheets full of crumbs.  There haven't been a lot of big in your face moments - but subtle maneuvers to steal my joy and peace.  I feel him in my head planting seeds of doubt and frustration.  He has fed that frustration with physical limitations and setbacks.  He keeps me feeling overwhelmed and anxious which steals my joy.

I don't know about you but I'm fed up with crumbs in my sheets!  I am sick of Satan thinking he has a foothold on my life and in my family.  I don't know about you but I think Satan is attacking me - the mom - the glue - the clockwork!  Do you know what else??  I think he is attacking me because he is scared of my family!  Because I think my family is pretty awesome - I think they are doing BIG things for God's Kingdom!  They love God and His people - 4 of the kids pledged their faith by getting baptized in the last few months.  I think the fact that we have pretty awesome kids and a rock star marriage had Satan worried already - - but now that we are being obedient and stepping out in faith to add some more kids to the mix -- I think it had Satan at the drawing board trying to scheme a way to muddle it all up.  I've got news for him - - if Satan thinks he can get to my family through me....he's got another thing coming!

God is my comfort and my strength and I will not believe the lies any longer.  God's direction and path are where we seek to keep our family and we will not second guess that.  My physical limitations are well within God's hand as the Great Physician.  To put it in simple terms - - HE'S GOT THIS!!!  He's got ALL of this!  He can handle my renovated messy house and make something organized and beautiful out of it - and help build sweet memories along the way.  He can handle my mind wandering and wondering and questioning and second guessing for every home study that goes out - - every no we get in return - every second of waiting to hear something (anything) on the rest - - every minute spent searching-wondering if I'm looking at a picture of my children or not.  He can handle my body - every infection and headache and every ounce of pain.  He can handle my children - and my husband - and me!

I'm sick of the crumbs and the irritations that Satan is throwing my way!  God can handle it ALL if we let Him!  So today - I choose GOD's PEACE over Satan's crumbs!!  Will you let Him handle your life - your family - your crumbs?

PROGRESS!!!!

So - almost a month ago we had our last home study interview and they let us join the waiting child program, anticipating that we would be wrapped up with our home study the following week!  Well....a long four and a half weeks later and we are FINALLY HOME STUDY READY!!!!

We got word yesterday afternoon that our home study was signed and complete - approving us for a sibling group of 2.  It has been almost 4 months since we started this process - and I'm so thankful this phase is done and ready to move forward.

SO WHAT's NEXT??
Now that our home study is complete we can begin to make inquiries on specific children that we are interested in.  We have been looking at online profiles for months now, compiling a list of possibilities for our family.  Last night I was able to start making contact on the kids on our list. If the kids are still available, they will contact our agency for a copy of our home study and if they feel we would be a good match then they will send us more information on the kids.

Looking through profiles can be overwhelming and daunting - who should we inquire on, who is a good fit, how do we know??  We rest in peace that we serve a mighty God and He knows exactly where our kids are and how and when they will make it into our family.  So - we are making contact but trusting God to lead the way.

We were told to expect the inquiry process to go fairly quickly - - being open to a sibling group, our professions, and family dynamic - - they said that case workers will be very interested in a family dynamic like ours and will probably be making contacts about additional possibilities on their case loads.

We are excited to welcome new ones into the family but there is still a lot to get ready.  We have to remodel a bedroom, get some additional furniture (bunk bed, dresser, etc), continue to prepare our hearts and home for adding in new kids who are coming with emotional scars.  So - I am thankful that we are finally to this step and we are able to move forward in the next phase.  But, I am also going to enjoy the time I have here and now in this moment.  This time of preparation of our home and our hearts is part of the process and I will enjoy it while I have it.

Please continue to pray for our family and we will continue to keep you posted on the progress of growing our family!

Moving Forward

We started this adoption journey to a sister over four years ago.  God led us to Ethiopia and back again and on to a new adoption adventure this winter.  It seems like we have been working at it forever - but we trust and know that God's plans are higher than our own and we are very excited to see what He has planned for us.  We have been working through adoption paperwork and fingerprinting, through training and interviews for the last couple of months.  My motto (and my screensaver on my phone) became...

This last month has been busy with family time and end of school craziness and has actually gone by pretty fast.  We found ourselves at our second (and final) home study interview last Tuesday where we were pleasantly surprised to find out that they were letting us pay our fee and join the next phase of our program!  He have our home inspection tomorrow but were told our home study is pretty much complete and they are hoping to have it finalized and ready to go sometime this week!!!  This means we will FINALLY be home study ready and will get to begin making inquiries and contact with social workers on siblings we are interested in.

This is such an exciting step.....BUT it is also a little overwhelming and scary at the same time.  Looking over profiles and faces of sweet kids waiting for a family can be daunting and sad (to say the least).  How do you ever go about choosing??  They all deserve a family and who am I to say or know if it is with us??  What I've come to realize is that I DON'T HAVE TO CHOOSE!  No matter how sure I am or how certain of an outcome - I don't get a say...only GOD DOES!!!  If I let MY MIND wander....try to take control...try to what-if our future....it is overwhelming and feels like a lot to take in.  When I remember that I have a God that loves me deeply and knows each one of my children even better than I could - a God that knew we would be in this exact place in growing our family and knows exactly how it will play out - a God that heals and restores and comforts and guides each and every aspect of our lives if we let Him - - when I remember all of that....it is like a burden lifted off of my shoulders!!  I don't have to choose - or try to decide - or bear the weight of it all.  It is a relief knowing that He already knows.

So - we are extremely excited to be starting this next phase of our adoption.  The phase where we get to search faces and search our hearts.  Where we spend a lot of time on our knees asking for peace and understanding.  The phase where we trust God when hope-filled doors close and unexpected doors open.  When we try to follow God's plans even amidst fears and uncertainty.  We know that this phase will lead us to our children - but we also know that that path is just the beginning of a life together as a family.

I don't know where my kids are - I don't know how many there are or what their genders are.  I don't know how many birthdays have passed or what makes them smile.  I don't know their story or their hearts.  But I do know that my God is big enough to take care of them until I can hold them and tell them that everything will be okay.  I know He is with them (and always has been) and will lead them to us in His perfect timing. Until then I hope they know....

Please continue to pray for us as we venture into the next phase of our adoption.  Pray for clarity and peace in following God's plans.  Pray for our children's hearts as they prepare to welcome new siblings into their lives and home.  Pray for our new children as they are uprooted once again to join our family.  Pray that God's hand would be in it all and that His glory would shine through!

Making Progress

Life has been busy and I am thankful!  It took me a while to come to grips with the fact that we were at a stand still with our progress for our home study.  We had to wait SEVEN weeks to attend training before we were cleared to move forward with our Home Study.  I kicked and screamed and was not a happy girl.  In hind sight, these last seven weeks have been a refreshing time to focus on my children and just live life.  I love this time of year when the sun peaks out from the winter dreariness.  Everything feels vibrant and new.  During the wait I have tried to purposefully be in the moment with my kids.  To feel vibrant and new and refreshed with them as spring sets in.  What I've been able to soak in is some pretty amazing kiddos that have seemed to grow up right before my very eyes.  I focused on each of them and what makes them tick - I would catch myself staring at them and just watching their gears turn as they had conversations with each other.  They are all at such a fun age where they are really finding themselves and morphing into their own independent and strong person.

I still find myself wondering where my daughter is and I pray for her daily.  Last week, as the training approached, I was giddy and anxious.  I told my husband that it was like waiting for Christmas morning.  Honestly, I was more excited for it to come and go so that we could move on than I was for the actual content of the training.  With that said, the training was VERY GOOD!  We learned a lot and enjoyed the discussions that we had with fellow adoptive families.  We got to spend the weekend without the kids - with a dinner date and a movie included!  It was such a refreshing time for us to focus on us, where our family is, and what we feel God is leading us toward in continuing to grow our family.

If you know us at all, or followed our previous adoptions, you know that it NEVER goes how we think it will in the beginning.  God shaped and molded our hearts so much over the year and a half it took to bring our boys home, and I am so thankful!  This time around we thought it was pretty straight forward as we knew a sister was for sure in the mix this time!  We had a very familiar nudging on our hearts, however, this last weekend as we sat and listened to a 16 year old young man who had been raised in the foster system.  About halfway through our time listening to his family's story, we turned to each other with a glimmer in our eyes and we knew we were all in, whatever that might be!  We always say we are all in - - up for whatever God has planned for us - - willing to be His hands and feet in whatever way we can but He always has a way of showing us that we aren't as in as we thought we were.  A gentle whisper or nagging on the heart to trust Him - to follow Him -  to not try and control the outcomes.  It is in these moments that we are learning to listen and follow His direction.  I want to live my life with arms wide open and my heart set on God's desires for my family and my life.

So here we are on a familiar journey following God's hand in growing our family.  We realized that children separated from their siblings because families weren't willing to take them all in was unacceptable.  If Nahome or Isaiah's brothers ever came up for adoption we would not think twice about bringing them into our family.  We realized that the same should be true of our daughter!!  They have had a hard enough life without having to lose their brothers and sisters as well.  So we are going to leave it up to God.  We will see what He has planned and I am excited to sit back and watch how God orchestrates the whole thing - to His glory!

Updates:
* We completed our training this past Friday and Saturday.
* We had our first of two Home Study interviews on Monday.
* We were emailed the remaining adoption paperwork that we needed to fill out on Tuesday.
* We completed our adoption paperwork on Wednesday and mailed it in to them today (Thursday).

Looking Ahead:
* We meet with a family counselor on Monday to gather info for the home study.
* We should hear early next week when we can schedule our remaining interviews.
* I am hopeful that we will have the home study finished up around the end of the month and then we will be able to begin making inquiries on children that are waiting for families.

Be Praying For:
* Our children in our home as they prepare for new additions.
* Our children that God has planned for our family - that they would be safe and loved and that they would not lose hope.  That we would be able to get to them in just the right timing so that the transition is as smooth as possible.
* Our marriage as we venture into another adoption - it is not for the faint of heart.  Pray that we will be cohesive and unified.  That we would lean on God and family for support.  It can get stressful and exhausting and lonely.
* Our paperwork as we work on compiling the story of who we are in our home study.
* Our hearts - that we would continue to trust God and His direction and guidance throughout every aspect of this process...from the timing to the waiting to the paperwork to the hiccups that will come.  Pray that we will see His hand and trust His plan.

I DO REMEMBER!

If any of you know me personally you know that I am TYPE A - to the letter!  I like things a certain way - I'm pretty opinionated and think my way is right - I tend to like to control things - I despise waiting and when forced to, my mind reels with all the "what-if's" and "to-do's" - I like to do things for myself and not rely on other people to complete tasks on my to-do list....as you can imagine being paper pregnant for an adoption brings out the best in all of the scenarios above!!  You'd think I would learn - - you know we have done this before!  You'd think I'd stay calm and relaxed and go with the flow.  You'd think that I would sleep at night - instead of thinking of all the things that need done, have been done, will be done, etc.  You'd think that I would expect to have to jump through paperwork hoops and their not-ideal paperwork pacing.

I do remember - VIVIDLY - the excruciatingly painful waits while our boys were halfway around the world - the waiting that seemed hard at the beginning when we were waiting on one piece of paperwork just to get started...then the waiting that made the beginning seem like a walk in the park as your heart was torn from your chest as you say goodbye and leave your child in another country until the paperwork can be finalized....the never ending checking of your phone for a phone call or email at wee hours in the night!  I DO REMEMBER!

What I guess I am missing and seeming to forget, these days, is that God took us on a journey....we were broken, shaped, molded, inspired, shattered, and awoken - - not through the paperwork but through the PROCESS and the RELATIONSHIPS that we made.  We leaned on God's hand and His timing because we had to - - it was beyond our control and thank goodness for that!  As we have started our next adoption journey I feel like I have dove in head first with a list of expectations of how it should go!  You'd think that I would have learned my lesson last time - - that it will probably end up playing out every way EXCEPT how I am expecting it to!  Thankfully I have a husband who helps keep me grounded and focused when my type A tries to take over!  Thankfully I have a God who is patient and understanding when I yet again try to take control and end up having to turn it back over to Him.

So - I'm giving up my expectations!  I am going to try and be calm...and relaxed...who knows, I might even end up going with the flow!!  (Those of you that know me very well are smiling right now and wishing me luck with that).  It is so easy to second guess everything, push for others to hop on board and see the urgency (there are orphans needing homes for goodness sake!), to predict and what-if scenarios until you are blue in the face!  But you know what - - its going to happen how it is supposed to.....when its supposed to....how its supposed to....I DO REMEMBER!  I DO trust God to guide and direct our daughter to our family!  I DO trust that He will keep her in His care until then!  I DO trust that we can grow during the process - - that we can be broken, shaped, molded, inspired, shattered, and awoken - to learn to live and love like He does!  I DO REMEMBER how hard and painful the journey was  - but I also REMEMBER how close I felt to God's will and plan for our family!  I remember being broken in every good sense of the word!  I remember having LIFE SHATTERING and HEART ALTERING moments throughout our adoption, and I expect no less from this one.  My daughter is out there (God has made that clear in the still small space of my heart)!  From here - - I will follow Him and let Him do His thing!

PLEASE CONTINUE to SUPPORT US ALONG THE WAY!!

If you'd like to support us along this process, here are some ways!
* PRAYER - - we know that we cannot do this alone!

-Pray for our daughter - wherever she is - that she would be safe and surrounded by people who care for her. 
- Pray for our children as we walk this journey - that their hearts would be prepared to embrace another child into our home.
- Pray for our paperwork as we start compiling it all - - that it will go smoothly.
- Pray that we would truly follow God's leading in searching for our daughter - that we would trust Him and His plan for our family.  ALL IN - Not Try to put GOD in a BOX!

* FINANCIAL - - A domestic adoption in no way will be as financially demanding as an international adoption.  We will however have adoption and travel expenses.  God has blessed us and we know He will continue to provide all that is needed.  If you would like to help out financially, we would simply ask for an $8 donation to support our family of EIGHT!  It is less than a movie ticket - about two cups of coffee at Starbucks - and it will change a child's life forever!  If you would like to make a donation you can do that by clicking on the PayPal link on the left of the blog.